Interview with a notable visionary: Reub

Reub is a master of minimalism and some other ism I can't remember right now. When he recently created a rendition of Starry Starry Night which is vastly superior to the original, I realized it was high time that I interviewed him for PA-G:

Your artworks are simple, yet hold an inscrutible mystique. Take "Penis" for example. When I first saw it, I thought 'this is just a black line with 'penis' written in red letters above it.' But after looking at it several times, I realized there was a subtle brilliance at work. Please tell me more about "Penis."

Ever since I was a young lad, growing up in a household of artists I was always told that my work needs meaning and needs to portray emotion and dedication to my work - "penis" was a form of protest against this idea. I thought that creating this work of art would defy the boundaries of what art is; but little did I know that no matter what, art will always be motivated by something, and by creating something with no meaning, I am actually giving it meaning. I am eternally stuck in this paradox.

Then there's "Lol I'm oprah cake." Many people don't realize what lengths Oprah will go through to jam as much food as possible down her throat, but you obviously do. Could you tell me more about this incredible masterpiece?

It is a little known fact that Oprah has the world record for being the biggest, most deceiving cake-hungry owl murdering black woman ever to drive a bulldozer. But the owl tricked her by pooping in the cake. Oprah ate it anyway.

Hnnng. What the hell is "hnnnng math," and why am I stupid enough to have never heard of it before?

"hnnnng math" is the mathematics that manifests in the very core of your soul. One will discover this math only when true enlightenment is achieved. The night I decided I needed no sleep and I could study the whole night before an examination was the faithful night in which i was enlightened.

"Table mountain and sharks." This basically looks like Cape Town, South Africa, only 100 times better. Please elaborate on this breathtaking achievement.

South Africa is my homeland, and a land often praised by tourists and foreigners for its culture and landscapes. I made this artwork as a warning to all tourists, exposing the underbelly of the favored Cape Town. It's nice and all, but it overflows with greed and sharks. Totally overrated.

What about "your not free too grammar" and "Free?" Why do I suddenly feel more intelligenter after seeing these artworks?

"your not free too grammar" is a phrase very close to my heart. I came home one night, over-exhausted, and all of a sudden these words came to mind. Nothing describes our current society better than these 5 words. You are not free to say what you want, your not free too grammar. I hope these 2 artworks inspire people to say what they want and not consider the consequences.

Last of all, what's your favourite colour? Why is it the best colour in the known universe?

This is a question that has scratched its nails at the chalk-board of my brain ever since I had a brain. I cannot favor a colour, it's like telling a mother to pick a favorite child. If you mix all the colours together, you get brown. I kinda like brown.

The holy Ganges

A few weeks ago I was walking down the riverside of the Ganges and was staring at a bone on the shore and I was thinking to myself, "Is that a human bone?" And when I saw a pack of dogs wildly biting into a piece of flesh - their faces red with blood - I was thinking, "Is that human flesh?" When I chose to sleep on a caged rooftop that overlooked the entire city, open to the air, and I woke up in the middle of the night, face to face with a monkey, and I saw the massive burning ghat smouldering into the night, and I smelled that strange smell, I was thinking, "Oh yeah, I forgot about those burning bodies down there." And when a local man pointed out the raw sewage pouring into the river, then took a handful of Ganges water, smiled at me, and drank it, I was thinking, "I wonder if he got a few bits of burnt human bone in that gulp."

Truth of the matter is, a lot of dying Hindus have been going to Varanasi, over a lot of centuries to gain their ensured release from the endless cycle of reincarnation. Once burned, their ashes are tossed into the holy river. And for various reasons, a lot of dead bodies are not burned, but simply tied to a rock and thrown to the bottom of the river. Add in some serious industrial waste and sewage waste, and the fact that most residents of Varanasi drink the water daily, and you've got a recipe for "What the fuck." With all those bits of bones, at least the people don't need to worry about a calcium deficiency.

Here is my heart-stoppingly incredible rendition of Varanasi in MS Paint:

Our treacherous human history

The fragile human psyche - more specifically, the fragile human ego - cannot cope with our treacherous human history. For thousands of years WE have been harvested, nay, slaughtered, by a whole slew of malicious mammals, rapacious reptiles, and insidious insects. It would be obvious for us to observe even today, if we could only open our eyes. Unfortunately, we are plunged into an oblivion, an utter madness of our own making, which has insulated our minds from our subservient realities.

As an American, I've constantly been fed the story that we raped and pillaged the Native Americans, extinct several species, exploited the poor, hard-working people of...wherever...killed innocent civilians in countless countries - the list goes on. Similar myths of the cruelty of humans are being propagated worldwide (various genocides, human trafficking, blood money, etc). Yet what we fail to see is that this position of power - of exploiting the weak - is in fact meant to make us feel good about ourselves. Because in reality, the animals of the world own our ass, and there ain't anything we can do about it.

To understand what I'm talking about, you must become proficient in meditation and the Eastern technique of "reality seeing." When practising this meditation, you may be frightfully surprised to find that - especially with histories concerning animals - we have in fact been the victims, not the exploiters, of the world. Take the infamous American maritime history of whaling, for instance. It is a well-documented fact that rather than humans sending whaling ships out from Nantucket, Massachusetts to hunt sperm whales worldwide, sperm whales actually sent out hunting parties and brutally massacred herds of swimming humans (see the aquatic ape theory for more information).

Nor are our current realities particularly comforting. Rather than being in a comfortable living room or office cubicle (as many humans believe they are), many humans are actually fodder for the entertainment of the mammalian masses. What I mean to say is, many humans are actually living in a zoo. So the next time you're jamming a cheeseburger down your throat, smile for the cameras and you just might get a few free fries thrown your way.

Robots are your friends

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, robots are so scary, they're plotting to enslave the human race." or "Oh, robots have detailed information about human physiology and can kill a man with the slightest flick of their titanium fingers." or "Oh, that robot is pointing its laser at my forehead because it wants to kill me."

Well listen up, little fairy, because it's time to stop being a baby and come to terms with the fact that robots are our friends. They're not here to butcher us to pieces, they're just here to make us a nice organic salad, help us remodel our houses, take out the garbage, or do any other odds or ends that you consider essential to your putrid little consumerist existence. So turn that frown upside down and show some respect to your machine.

Sure, occasionally robots make mistakes. Chop a person's head off, sever a human's arteries, or throw them off buildings. Robots were programmed to be more human than humans, so of course you're going to get the rare mishap. They mean well, so stop whining about it.

After all, robots are just here to serve us. They all read from a big book called "To Serve Man," and if you don't believe me than you should stop living in a cave and start to get with the program...we're not in the 20th century anymore, people.

Now some news stories have recently come to light documenting a widespread "murder" of human masters by their robot slaves. All I can say is, serves em right for mistreating their robot. Just because it's a hunk of cold, calculating metal doesn't mean that it doesn't have feelings. Next time your robot makes a mistake, why not try complimenting him on his good looks or manners? Hell, let him take a few days off if you think he's been overworked. Maybe even give him some cash for a night on the town. Whatever you do, don't deny robots their dignity.

Interview with master artisan zylis

Zylis' artistic style is simple yet elegant, masculine yet sensitive. His portfolio is a mixture of macho men, bitch-ass skanky animals, and heart-wrenching violence. Regarded as an enigma by some and the antichrist by others, his artworks are thought-provoking pieces that can no longer be ignored.

Your artworks are truly moving and have touched the hearts of many. Just what inspires you from your day-to-day life to create such magnificent pieces?

Most of the zam in my artwork comes from the zop of everyday life. I think it all builds up in my head and then when I open up PAINT and start doodlin that stuff comes out. I have no clue where it comes from but wherever it does I want to go on an adventure there.

I’m afraid to know but I can’t help but ask: just what will happen if ‘someone challenge Tanky?’

He was created in the labs of maximum science in hopes of one day a challenger would step forth to make sweet battle with. What will happen is MAXIMUM BATTLE beyond even super human comprehension.

LOOOOOOAF has been both praised and criticized by the artistic community. Some hail it as the dawn of a new aesthetic movement, others curse it as an abomination barely worthy to be called art – Yet no one can deny its influence. Were you surprised by such an outpouring of visual responses to this artwork?

Me thinks i made LOOOOOOOOOOOAF and then laughed at him. Then he became very famous and then laughed at me. I wrote a book about it but it was never published because he controls the only printing press in the island.

Why IS Goaters pregnant?

Well, to but it BLUNTly: GOATERS IS A SLUT! I heard she was knocked up by earthworm jim.

When I was young, I thought McDonald’s was a magical place. Each happy meal was wondrous and special. I even had a birthday party there once, and all the happy meal “toys” I got were just miniature plastic versions of McDonald’s food. Now that memory has been violently raped by your artwork titled “BEND OVER AND BUY” submitted to the Fast Food is Evil art competition. So what is the inspiration behind this avant-garde artwork?

Theres something fishey about how much kids love that shit. also they sued this old pub in Scotland because they had the same name.

I want a T-Hawk as soon as possible. Where can I pick one up?

There's one holstered in my belt at all moments, unless I'm naked then it's in my hand.

What’s your favorite color? Why is it the best color in the universe?

This question has troubled me since birth. Humans can see so little of color. There are better ones out there only reachable with bionic eyes or psychedelic drugs. I like the color that I imagine Saturn would look like up close.   TRANSITION OUT

Good morning, Cat's Meow

CatsMeow specializes in cut-and-pasted MS Paint collages, kitties, and marzipan babies. She's a top artist and pioneer at Paint Avant-Garde, and I recently had the great fortune to interview her:

You seem to be well-versed in the art of digital drawing. How did you get started in this wonderful pastime?

I was probably around eight years old the first time I saw someone draw in Microsoft Paint. Witnessing someone draw on a computer screen with a mouse blew my mind. I was never particularly good at drawing or coloring on paper, but for some reason I developed a knack for drawing with a mouse or touch pad. I've used more advanced digital drawing and editing programs before, but I always return to MS Paint. It's like an extension of my body or something. I know my way around the program and with it I can build images of whatever I dream up. Sure, there may be jagged edges but that's just become part of the style. If I really wanted straight edges, I could do it, and without a more advanced program too. MS Paint allows me to feel like I am the one drawing, and not just "cheating" by letting the software do it. Restrictions often give way to the best creativity.

I absolutely love "Buffalo Gals" - it both comforts me and horrifies me simultaneously. What is the inspiration behind this artwork?

Thank you, and I am so glad to comfort and horrify you all at once! I took a guitar class in high school and one of the simple traditional songs in our book was "Buffalo Gals." The lyrics go, "Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight? Come out tonight?? Come out tonight?! Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight, and dance by the light of the moon?!?" Well, I added the excessive punctuation for dramatic purposes. Anyway, I thought these lyrics were funny so I sketched a very literal cartoon of some buffalo-headed women dancing in the moonlight. My classmates enjoyed it so eventually I made it into an MS Painting, to horrify and comfort the world.

What's the meaning of "Fingerlegs" (or "We're all different with Linda Ellerbee")?

Well, I saw a picture online of a person who had their forearm amputated, and they had gotten a tattoo of a big fingernail near the end of the nub, so their short arm had essentially become a giant finger. Then I wondered, what if someone had a big nail tattooed on each of their amputated legs? It would be just like when you take your hand and make your index and middle finger walk across surface in front of you. Only the real thing! Fingerlegs! So I clipped some anatomical drawings to see how someone might look with either the tattooed arm as legs or with real fingers as legs. I liked them both, so I mangled up some more people and added Linda Ellerbee's head on one.. Why Linda? Maybe because I miss watching Nick News in the morning, or maybe because her head really complements those uneven foot-hands.

"I Made It!" seems to sum up 90% of my experiences at McDonald's. Is there a story behind this artwork?

My college roommate worked at McDonald's and told me about this custodian who worked at her store, an old black man with big separated teeth and such. Somehow (probably because it actually happens all the time) we came up with the scenario of a McDonald's customer angrily returning their food to the counter, yelling at the cashier, with the crazy old janitor in the background claiming responsibility for the order. I brought the vision to life because I believe the janitorial takeover of McDonald's food service is a growing worldwide concern and it is imperative for the public to witness such accurate propaganda as I have made here...I made it!

What about "Normal Woman" and "Clones of Normal Woman?" This woman appears to be exceedingly normal.

"Normal Woman" was a follow up to "Ordinary Guy," which were both experiments in MS Painting technique. I wanted to see how it would look to paint over a large photograph in patches of color I sampled from the original photo. It turned out cool and it's kind of a fun way to get a good (or normal?) looking picture. I got the photos from actually searching images of "normal women" and "ordinary guys." So that woman is, indeed, exceedingly normal. Her cloning incident happened when I was trying to choose a background for her. I had recently learned how to easily proportionally resize selections on MS Paint and went a little crazy with the normal woman, if that's possible. I took a screenshot because I liked how it showed the Microsoft Paint window, hinting at what I'm working with.

Who’s your favorite artist on Paint Avant-Garde and why?

I've really been enjoying the works of Austerlitz. Why? Well besides the recurring inclusion of my most favorite things (cats, Whoopi Goldberg, and Fred Savage), I'm just very jealous that I didn't think of "The Great CATSby" first!

Is digital drawing your only creative outlet, or do you have others (and if so, what are they)?

Besides writing obscene poetry, I have a disturbing and often visually nauseating blog at http://manglejangles.blogspot.com/.

And finally, what’s your favorite color? Why is it vastly superior to other colors?

Bright fuschia, and honorable mention to cyan, because I find that those colors are the most difficult to stare at. Especially when the two are alternating in front of your eyes at a rapid rate.

And the most childish artwork is...attack on canada!

The world's longest unguarded border explodes in Austerlitz's artwork "attack on canada (terrorist haven)." These child-like scribbles are undeniably a pure art-form, depicting how insidious, unscrupulous, despicable Canadians are harboring terrorists, and how the free world (Team USA) is in the process of kicking their sorry maple-syrup-eating arses.

GiliusThunderhead also weighed in on the scene, depicting a nightmare scenario where the whole damned Pacific Northwest secedes and take sides with the Maples Leaves. The filthy rapscallions.

With a PA-G score of 9, this artwork was bumped to the top of the heap, earning it the title "Most Childish Artwork" in all of Paint Avant-Garde. Congratulations Austerlitz! But more importantly, this artwork highlights the grave danger our country faces from the scheming, conniving beaver-lovers right across our border. Time for more nation-building, anyone?