Open Source Storytelling

Storytime Unleashed
I just finished creating a collaborative storytelling platform that allows the creation of open source stories, called "Storytime." The basic idea is that artists who use a combination of MSPaint art (or any other digital art) and text can create individual "chapters", which are then linked together into multiple storylines. Over time, the community upvotes (or downvotes) individual chapters and new chapters are added to the most popular storyline, causing it to rise to the top. However, the less-popular storylines remain visible (allowing for alternate endings). In this way, I hope people can create really cool stories together.

Chapter Dynamics
Individual chapters are ranked based on a "story score," which is a sort of cumulative tally of bonus points from the chapter itself as well as proceeding chapters that are linked to it. In this way, an individual chapter can benefit from upvotes or chapter submissions that have been made indirectly to it (i.e. bonus points garnered from chapters farther up in the storyline). In this way, the strength of overall chains of chapters trumps the strength of chapters on an individual basis.

Open Source, Collaborative Features
If new artists develop popular new story ideas, the direction of that story can always change. So although a story about Jack and Jill might well start off with them going up the hill and end with Jack breaking his crown, the PA-G community would have the opportunity to change that storyline into something a bit more interesting. For instance, Jack and Jill could walk up the Hill and THEN built a high-tech water distribution system for their entire village so no one will ever have to waste their time going up that hill again.

Zombies First
I started off Storytime with a short, uncompleted open source story called "Adventures of a Zombie Rights Activist." I hope you can check it out and let me know what you think: http://www.pa-g.co/index.php?p=story&z=1

Pleased to meet you, JoQusary

JoQusary is an MS Paint aficionado, a thoughtful visual responder, and a wonderfully avid hater of aliens. Her avant-garde artworks make the world tremble with intrigue, so I was delighted to have the opportunity to interview her for PA-G:

Your artworks follow the life and times of your ordinary, down-to-earth heroine JoQusary. Common themes in your art include love, self-reflection, and the bitch-slapping of alien-eyed anime girls. What is the inspiration behind these lovely MS Paint artworks?

I used to be a pen and paper artist before my brother stuffed the scanner with his packet of instant noodles - he thought this method would ensure the safety of his food supply before aliens come to invade Earth in 2012.

I had no problems with aliens until one day when a human male whom I had a crush on ran off with one of them. It broke my heart so much that I began to waste myself away drinking 16 cups of coffee per day while drawing on my laptop with MS Paint. An evil arch-nemesis of mine stumbled upon my drawings while attempting to pour cyanide into my latte and, well… we somehow got romantically involved thereon. He seems to enjoy being my muse while brewing cups of coffee for me now. I hope he doesn’t lace them with cyanide.

I’m extremely intrigued by “I Had a Weird Dream.” It appears as though you’re preparing your double-headed demon horse to launch an attack on a team of high school cheerleaders, but perhaps I am mistaken. Please tell me more about your strange dream and this artwork.

It is my habit to record any dream I experience in a dream journal whether in writing or drawing. In “I Had a Weird Dream,” I dreamed that the world has two suns. As if the global warming is not enough to kill us all. I found myself standing alone in the middle of a dry, parched land when suddenly a most peculiar looking two-headed creature of unknown species approached me, dragging with it an elaborate crib made of gold and red velvet. Veins of red stream gushed out of the ground underneath the crib. It contained the most beautiful infant I have ever seen.

The creature asked me if I could spare some milk for the infant. I have no experience in breast-feeding at all, but strangely that did not stop me from nursing him. That gained me approval from the creature, which before mysteriously vanishing into thin air said, “For centuries we have sought for his love.” I have been searching for someone who could interpret this weird dream, but to no avail.

And then there’s “How to Make Curry Puffs.” This looks like a delectable meal that incorporates a mixture of Southeast Asian cooking techniques along with the ingenious use of human sweat. Please tell me more about this delightful recipe.

A Chinese monk once told me that the secret to making the best curry puffs in the world is to press the dough between human armpits. The appearance and flavour of the curry puff depends on the humidity of armpits used in the process. Aside from giving the curry puff its trademark beautiful ring patterns, this method also ensures perfect salty and savoury taste that lingers in one’s palate after each crunchy bite. I thought it would be nice to share this fascinating recipe with the world through my artwork.

“Sick of Anime Girls” – who isn’t? Many young women today become fixated on the “anime girl” look, only to later find out that they attract unwanted attention from aliens. I really like your artwork because it seems as though you are slapping this anime girl so hard that you’re actually transferring your wisdom through your hand to her brain. Please tell me more about this phenomenal masterpiece.

As everyone is aware, the “anime girl” look craze has crept its way out of Japan and into the shores of other nations which originally did not have blonde Asian girls with eyes as big as rugby balls. Girls as young as 2 to 92 are deluded into thinking that rather than being themselves, looking like a non-existent cartoon character with excessively retarded mannerism will get them their prince charming, who will then whisk them away to live happily ever after in a silver-paved kingdom somewhere on the Moon.

Sadly, what they do not realize is that this message has been subliminally embedded in anime series targeted to young female audience by a group of horny aliens. These aliens, desolate of the female sex, strive to procreate with our females in order to preserve their alien race – by fashioning anime girls to suit the desired alien look before the process of selective abduction. I believe I am born with a mission to wake up all human girls in this world from submitting their will to these horny aliens. Once I have tried imposing the “Bitch Slap of Consciousness” on an anime girl for this purpose. Unfortunately, I have only come to realize that there was never a brain inside an anime girl’s two-dimensional skull.

I can really relate to “Fickle.” In four simple comic squares, you capture the complex and elusive nature of the female species. Just how is a man supposed to react to such unpredictable behavior? 

Being a woman myself, I admit that it is sometimes difficult to stick to a single feeling for a man at one time especially when he is not aware of it. At times, a man who unluckily becomes a woman’s object of affection might be adored like a god when she is in a good disposition; or showered with kisses when she is feeling passionate; or thrashed when she is having her menses. If only men knew when to hug and when to run according to women’s mood, relationships would have been easy breezy. But then again, where’s the adventure in such relationship?

Finally, what is your favorite color? Why is it the best color ever known to mankind?

I like the colour red – it symbolizes my attraction to life. In life one can never escape from anger, lust, guilt, sin, passion, joy, love, and sacrifice… just as one can never escape from seeing red. Red even presents itself among those who are colour-blind. It is the most tenacious colour on earth, and as demonstrated by most serial killers you can never simply wash away red blood with any kind of detergent. I believe it is the shade that reminds mankind to be determined and resolute in whatever they aim for in life, be it a silver-paved kingdom on the Moon or the tastiest curry puff in the world.

Four winning resolutions for 2012

Your life needs direction. Your life needs structure. You need a 5-year plan. And to top it off, you need a damn good 2012 New Year's resolution. Luckily for you, you're part of one of the most advanced artistic communities on the planet and you needn't look any farther than PA-G for inspiration.

Perhaps it's no wonder that there was a 4-way tie in that latest art competition of ours. That's right, four MS Paint artworks got a score of 8 and it's simply impossible to say which was the better. Take Stop Trying to Cut my dick off W a knife for example. Isn't this such an inspirational story about an ordinary man trying to stave off the strong impulse of genital self-mutilation? Happens to the best of us.

Ah, and then there's NEW YEARS RESOLVED LIFE DECISION. Most of us feel the strong urge to be more of a reptile or amphibian but few are brave enough to actually stick their necks out, be a man, and make the resolved life decision. Truly inspirational.

And let us not forget Learn to Land on My Birthday Cake. Before the advent of "cake landing reset button," many people actually died trying to land on their cake. It was - and still is - one of the most risky and extreme sporting activities known to mankind.

The last resolution is In 2012, I resolve to lose 5 pounds and it's already a well-known international sensation. However, some people have criticized it as being overly ambitious, and indeed it is. Leading weight loss scientists now say that you should not try to lose more than 1 pound over any 12-month period.

New Year's Resolutions for 2012

If you're going to choose an arbitrary date in the year to make a drastic change in your life, this is the time. That’s right, it’s time to make your New Year’s resolutions for 2012.  Maybe you want to lose 200 lbs, become a black belt in Tae-kwon-do, or learn to speak fluent Swahili. Whatever it is, we won’t judge.

What we will judge, however, is your artistic portrayal of these resolutions in the form of a digital artwork. To participate in PA-G’s newest art competition, you must draw your New Year’s resolution and tag it with “2012 resolutions.” The competition starts immediately and ends on Friday the 13^th of January. You may even make more than one submission to the competition if you're so inclined.

And just in case you're fresh out of ideas, the US government has been kind enough to provide us with a list of popular resolutions. Thank you so much, Uncle Sam!

May the best resolution win!

Interview with a notable visionary: Reub

Reub is a master of minimalism and some other ism I can't remember right now. When he recently created a rendition of Starry Starry Night which is vastly superior to the original, I realized it was high time that I interviewed him for PA-G:

Your artworks are simple, yet hold an inscrutible mystique. Take "Penis" for example. When I first saw it, I thought 'this is just a black line with 'penis' written in red letters above it.' But after looking at it several times, I realized there was a subtle brilliance at work. Please tell me more about "Penis."

Ever since I was a young lad, growing up in a household of artists I was always told that my work needs meaning and needs to portray emotion and dedication to my work - "penis" was a form of protest against this idea. I thought that creating this work of art would defy the boundaries of what art is; but little did I know that no matter what, art will always be motivated by something, and by creating something with no meaning, I am actually giving it meaning. I am eternally stuck in this paradox.

Then there's "Lol I'm oprah cake." Many people don't realize what lengths Oprah will go through to jam as much food as possible down her throat, but you obviously do. Could you tell me more about this incredible masterpiece?

It is a little known fact that Oprah has the world record for being the biggest, most deceiving cake-hungry owl murdering black woman ever to drive a bulldozer. But the owl tricked her by pooping in the cake. Oprah ate it anyway.

Hnnng. What the hell is "hnnnng math," and why am I stupid enough to have never heard of it before?

"hnnnng math" is the mathematics that manifests in the very core of your soul. One will discover this math only when true enlightenment is achieved. The night I decided I needed no sleep and I could study the whole night before an examination was the faithful night in which i was enlightened.

"Table mountain and sharks." This basically looks like Cape Town, South Africa, only 100 times better. Please elaborate on this breathtaking achievement.

South Africa is my homeland, and a land often praised by tourists and foreigners for its culture and landscapes. I made this artwork as a warning to all tourists, exposing the underbelly of the favored Cape Town. It's nice and all, but it overflows with greed and sharks. Totally overrated.

What about "your not free too grammar" and "Free?" Why do I suddenly feel more intelligenter after seeing these artworks?

"your not free too grammar" is a phrase very close to my heart. I came home one night, over-exhausted, and all of a sudden these words came to mind. Nothing describes our current society better than these 5 words. You are not free to say what you want, your not free too grammar. I hope these 2 artworks inspire people to say what they want and not consider the consequences.

Last of all, what's your favourite colour? Why is it the best colour in the known universe?

This is a question that has scratched its nails at the chalk-board of my brain ever since I had a brain. I cannot favor a colour, it's like telling a mother to pick a favorite child. If you mix all the colours together, you get brown. I kinda like brown.

The holy Ganges

A few weeks ago I was walking down the riverside of the Ganges and was staring at a bone on the shore and I was thinking to myself, "Is that a human bone?" And when I saw a pack of dogs wildly biting into a piece of flesh - their faces red with blood - I was thinking, "Is that human flesh?" When I chose to sleep on a caged rooftop that overlooked the entire city, open to the air, and I woke up in the middle of the night, face to face with a monkey, and I saw the massive burning ghat smouldering into the night, and I smelled that strange smell, I was thinking, "Oh yeah, I forgot about those burning bodies down there." And when a local man pointed out the raw sewage pouring into the river, then took a handful of Ganges water, smiled at me, and drank it, I was thinking, "I wonder if he got a few bits of burnt human bone in that gulp."

Truth of the matter is, a lot of dying Hindus have been going to Varanasi, over a lot of centuries to gain their ensured release from the endless cycle of reincarnation. Once burned, their ashes are tossed into the holy river. And for various reasons, a lot of dead bodies are not burned, but simply tied to a rock and thrown to the bottom of the river. Add in some serious industrial waste and sewage waste, and the fact that most residents of Varanasi drink the water daily, and you've got a recipe for "What the fuck." With all those bits of bones, at least the people don't need to worry about a calcium deficiency.

Here is my heart-stoppingly incredible rendition of Varanasi in MS Paint:

Our treacherous human history

The fragile human psyche - more specifically, the fragile human ego - cannot cope with our treacherous human history. For thousands of years WE have been harvested, nay, slaughtered, by a whole slew of malicious mammals, rapacious reptiles, and insidious insects. It would be obvious for us to observe even today, if we could only open our eyes. Unfortunately, we are plunged into an oblivion, an utter madness of our own making, which has insulated our minds from our subservient realities.

As an American, I've constantly been fed the story that we raped and pillaged the Native Americans, extinct several species, exploited the poor, hard-working people of...wherever...killed innocent civilians in countless countries - the list goes on. Similar myths of the cruelty of humans are being propagated worldwide (various genocides, human trafficking, blood money, etc). Yet what we fail to see is that this position of power - of exploiting the weak - is in fact meant to make us feel good about ourselves. Because in reality, the animals of the world own our ass, and there ain't anything we can do about it.

To understand what I'm talking about, you must become proficient in meditation and the Eastern technique of "reality seeing." When practising this meditation, you may be frightfully surprised to find that - especially with histories concerning animals - we have in fact been the victims, not the exploiters, of the world. Take the infamous American maritime history of whaling, for instance. It is a well-documented fact that rather than humans sending whaling ships out from Nantucket, Massachusetts to hunt sperm whales worldwide, sperm whales actually sent out hunting parties and brutally massacred herds of swimming humans (see the aquatic ape theory for more information).

Nor are our current realities particularly comforting. Rather than being in a comfortable living room or office cubicle (as many humans believe they are), many humans are actually fodder for the entertainment of the mammalian masses. What I mean to say is, many humans are actually living in a zoo. So the next time you're jamming a cheeseburger down your throat, smile for the cameras and you just might get a few free fries thrown your way.

Robots are your friends

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, robots are so scary, they're plotting to enslave the human race." or "Oh, robots have detailed information about human physiology and can kill a man with the slightest flick of their titanium fingers." or "Oh, that robot is pointing its laser at my forehead because it wants to kill me."

Well listen up, little fairy, because it's time to stop being a baby and come to terms with the fact that robots are our friends. They're not here to butcher us to pieces, they're just here to make us a nice organic salad, help us remodel our houses, take out the garbage, or do any other odds or ends that you consider essential to your putrid little consumerist existence. So turn that frown upside down and show some respect to your machine.

Sure, occasionally robots make mistakes. Chop a person's head off, sever a human's arteries, or throw them off buildings. Robots were programmed to be more human than humans, so of course you're going to get the rare mishap. They mean well, so stop whining about it.

After all, robots are just here to serve us. They all read from a big book called "To Serve Man," and if you don't believe me than you should stop living in a cave and start to get with the program...we're not in the 20th century anymore, people.

Now some news stories have recently come to light documenting a widespread "murder" of human masters by their robot slaves. All I can say is, serves em right for mistreating their robot. Just because it's a hunk of cold, calculating metal doesn't mean that it doesn't have feelings. Next time your robot makes a mistake, why not try complimenting him on his good looks or manners? Hell, let him take a few days off if you think he's been overworked. Maybe even give him some cash for a night on the town. Whatever you do, don't deny robots their dignity.

Interview with master artisan zylis

Zylis' artistic style is simple yet elegant, masculine yet sensitive. His portfolio is a mixture of macho men, bitch-ass skanky animals, and heart-wrenching violence. Regarded as an enigma by some and the antichrist by others, his artworks are thought-provoking pieces that can no longer be ignored.

Your artworks are truly moving and have touched the hearts of many. Just what inspires you from your day-to-day life to create such magnificent pieces?

Most of the zam in my artwork comes from the zop of everyday life. I think it all builds up in my head and then when I open up PAINT and start doodlin that stuff comes out. I have no clue where it comes from but wherever it does I want to go on an adventure there.

I’m afraid to know but I can’t help but ask: just what will happen if ‘someone challenge Tanky?’

He was created in the labs of maximum science in hopes of one day a challenger would step forth to make sweet battle with. What will happen is MAXIMUM BATTLE beyond even super human comprehension.

LOOOOOOAF has been both praised and criticized by the artistic community. Some hail it as the dawn of a new aesthetic movement, others curse it as an abomination barely worthy to be called art – Yet no one can deny its influence. Were you surprised by such an outpouring of visual responses to this artwork?

Me thinks i made LOOOOOOOOOOOAF and then laughed at him. Then he became very famous and then laughed at me. I wrote a book about it but it was never published because he controls the only printing press in the island.

Why IS Goaters pregnant?

Well, to but it BLUNTly: GOATERS IS A SLUT! I heard she was knocked up by earthworm jim.

When I was young, I thought McDonald’s was a magical place. Each happy meal was wondrous and special. I even had a birthday party there once, and all the happy meal “toys” I got were just miniature plastic versions of McDonald’s food. Now that memory has been violently raped by your artwork titled “BEND OVER AND BUY” submitted to the Fast Food is Evil art competition. So what is the inspiration behind this avant-garde artwork?

Theres something fishey about how much kids love that shit. also they sued this old pub in Scotland because they had the same name.

I want a T-Hawk as soon as possible. Where can I pick one up?

There's one holstered in my belt at all moments, unless I'm naked then it's in my hand.

What’s your favorite color? Why is it the best color in the universe?

This question has troubled me since birth. Humans can see so little of color. There are better ones out there only reachable with bionic eyes or psychedelic drugs. I like the color that I imagine Saturn would look like up close.   TRANSITION OUT

Good morning, Cat's Meow

CatsMeow specializes in cut-and-pasted MS Paint collages, kitties, and marzipan babies. She's a top artist and pioneer at Paint Avant-Garde, and I recently had the great fortune to interview her:

You seem to be well-versed in the art of digital drawing. How did you get started in this wonderful pastime?

I was probably around eight years old the first time I saw someone draw in Microsoft Paint. Witnessing someone draw on a computer screen with a mouse blew my mind. I was never particularly good at drawing or coloring on paper, but for some reason I developed a knack for drawing with a mouse or touch pad. I've used more advanced digital drawing and editing programs before, but I always return to MS Paint. It's like an extension of my body or something. I know my way around the program and with it I can build images of whatever I dream up. Sure, there may be jagged edges but that's just become part of the style. If I really wanted straight edges, I could do it, and without a more advanced program too. MS Paint allows me to feel like I am the one drawing, and not just "cheating" by letting the software do it. Restrictions often give way to the best creativity.

I absolutely love "Buffalo Gals" - it both comforts me and horrifies me simultaneously. What is the inspiration behind this artwork?

Thank you, and I am so glad to comfort and horrify you all at once! I took a guitar class in high school and one of the simple traditional songs in our book was "Buffalo Gals." The lyrics go, "Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight? Come out tonight?? Come out tonight?! Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight, and dance by the light of the moon?!?" Well, I added the excessive punctuation for dramatic purposes. Anyway, I thought these lyrics were funny so I sketched a very literal cartoon of some buffalo-headed women dancing in the moonlight. My classmates enjoyed it so eventually I made it into an MS Painting, to horrify and comfort the world.

What's the meaning of "Fingerlegs" (or "We're all different with Linda Ellerbee")?

Well, I saw a picture online of a person who had their forearm amputated, and they had gotten a tattoo of a big fingernail near the end of the nub, so their short arm had essentially become a giant finger. Then I wondered, what if someone had a big nail tattooed on each of their amputated legs? It would be just like when you take your hand and make your index and middle finger walk across surface in front of you. Only the real thing! Fingerlegs! So I clipped some anatomical drawings to see how someone might look with either the tattooed arm as legs or with real fingers as legs. I liked them both, so I mangled up some more people and added Linda Ellerbee's head on one.. Why Linda? Maybe because I miss watching Nick News in the morning, or maybe because her head really complements those uneven foot-hands.

"I Made It!" seems to sum up 90% of my experiences at McDonald's. Is there a story behind this artwork?

My college roommate worked at McDonald's and told me about this custodian who worked at her store, an old black man with big separated teeth and such. Somehow (probably because it actually happens all the time) we came up with the scenario of a McDonald's customer angrily returning their food to the counter, yelling at the cashier, with the crazy old janitor in the background claiming responsibility for the order. I brought the vision to life because I believe the janitorial takeover of McDonald's food service is a growing worldwide concern and it is imperative for the public to witness such accurate propaganda as I have made here...I made it!

What about "Normal Woman" and "Clones of Normal Woman?" This woman appears to be exceedingly normal.

"Normal Woman" was a follow up to "Ordinary Guy," which were both experiments in MS Painting technique. I wanted to see how it would look to paint over a large photograph in patches of color I sampled from the original photo. It turned out cool and it's kind of a fun way to get a good (or normal?) looking picture. I got the photos from actually searching images of "normal women" and "ordinary guys." So that woman is, indeed, exceedingly normal. Her cloning incident happened when I was trying to choose a background for her. I had recently learned how to easily proportionally resize selections on MS Paint and went a little crazy with the normal woman, if that's possible. I took a screenshot because I liked how it showed the Microsoft Paint window, hinting at what I'm working with.

Who’s your favorite artist on Paint Avant-Garde and why?

I've really been enjoying the works of Austerlitz. Why? Well besides the recurring inclusion of my most favorite things (cats, Whoopi Goldberg, and Fred Savage), I'm just very jealous that I didn't think of "The Great CATSby" first!

Is digital drawing your only creative outlet, or do you have others (and if so, what are they)?

Besides writing obscene poetry, I have a disturbing and often visually nauseating blog at http://manglejangles.blogspot.com/.

And finally, what’s your favorite color? Why is it vastly superior to other colors?

Bright fuschia, and honorable mention to cyan, because I find that those colors are the most difficult to stare at. Especially when the two are alternating in front of your eyes at a rapid rate.

And the most childish artwork is...attack on canada!

The world's longest unguarded border explodes in Austerlitz's artwork "attack on canada (terrorist haven)." These child-like scribbles are undeniably a pure art-form, depicting how insidious, unscrupulous, despicable Canadians are harboring terrorists, and how the free world (Team USA) is in the process of kicking their sorry maple-syrup-eating arses.

GiliusThunderhead also weighed in on the scene, depicting a nightmare scenario where the whole damned Pacific Northwest secedes and take sides with the Maples Leaves. The filthy rapscallions.

With a PA-G score of 9, this artwork was bumped to the top of the heap, earning it the title "Most Childish Artwork" in all of Paint Avant-Garde. Congratulations Austerlitz! But more importantly, this artwork highlights the grave danger our country faces from the scheming, conniving beaver-lovers right across our border. Time for more nation-building, anyone?

My drawing skills are tight. Dont' be steppin

When I was in elementary school I was pretty convinced that I was the best artist in the entire building. My skills were so damn tight that no one ever thought to challenge me. Then one day another boy casually implied that he could draw better than me...shocking! I was so infuriated that I proceeded to draw the most epic drawing I had yet created: Cat Beach. It was basically a beach covered with suave cats in sunglasses carrying skateboards, surfboards, and boom boxes. They were playing beach volleyball and mackin it with bikini-clad cat honeys that were lying on the beach.

I've recreated Cat Beach in MS Paint, and although its grandeur pales in comparison to the original, you can get some idea of its legend:

Inflict severe pain or death through art

You may know someone whom you strongly dislike. You may want to inflict extreme harm on that person or bring her to an excruciating end. Yet physically harming that person is only going to cause you a headache. You're probably going to have to deal with police, go to court, serve life in prison... you know story.

Since bludgeoning/kicking/stabbing/shooting someone isn't really feasible, why not think of elaborate ways of offing the person through art? That's what my 7-year-old students have done by drawing various stages of my pain and eventual death. Here are some drawings for your inspiration:

The book of death
This one is great because the teacher (me) is actually being crushed to death by a giant-size version of his own book. Oh, the irony of it.

 The shoe of death
Same concept, only this time the teacher is having the life squeezed out of him by a giant teacher's shoe.

The giant student -- bringer of pain
Here a colossal student is pounding the teacher into a mug with a table spoon, then drinking him for morning tea.

 

The intestinal escape fraught with peril

As if it ain't enough to plant the teacher into a lion's intestinal track. Now he's got to make a daring escape...good luck with that one.

The jetpack flight from hell
Give the teacher a jetpack and watch him fly into the sky. Then send a jumbo jet right into his path and watch the fun ensue.

The nightmare train ride
Kind of like a normal train ride, only instead of riding inside the train, the teacher is dragged underneath it.

Santa Snakes

I was obsessed with snakes and reptiles when I was younger and loved to constantly draw them. One holiday season, I was sitting around the house drawing a bunch of snakes and my Dad told me "It's Christmas time...why don't you draw something about Christmas." And thus, Santa Snakes was born. Although the original drawing is long gone, I've just made an MS Paint recreation of this legendary artwork:

Why fans are going to kill you in your sleep

In South Korean, there is a widespread belief that leaving a fan on at night can kill you. There are at least a few media reports each year about people dying from this, and all fans in Korea are apparently outfitted with timers so the fan will stop running after a set period of time. Even the Korean government warns consumer against fan death, particularly in the summer time.

There are a range of reasons that you should learn to fear the fan: fans create dangerous levels of CO2 in the room, fans can cause you to die from hypothermia, fans can cause you to die from heat exhaustion, fan blades chop up oxygen molecules so you can't breath them, and fans change the air pressure in a room, creating a vacuum of pain that will cause your heart to explode. Of course, all of these beliefs are refuted by scientific evidence, but science shmience. Fans are evil.

One of my Korean students brilliantly portrayed why you ought to run for the hills when you see a fan:

 And don't even think about getting into a UFO with a fan, fool:

"Zombie Chickens from Mars" explained

For some years during college and afterward, I worked with a philosophy author doing editing work and literature research for her books. She has two grandchildren and one day one of them drew a few artworks for me, including the masterpiece "Zombie Chickens from Mars."

So just what is going on in this picture? Well, to paraphrase what the artist explained to me, Earth is OVERRUN with zombie chickens from Mars that look almost exactly like normal chickens except they have bloodshot eyes and green slime coming out of their mouths (see the crazed, rabid zombie chicken on the right?). In this picture, a normal chicken is fleeing from a zombie chicken. He crosses the road to escape, but instead he gets hit by a car. How sad is that?

Normal dog, my dog

When I was young, my family had a big, fat 'lemon-drop' beagle named Eeyore who was mostly lethargic, undisciplined, and moody. He was basically the opposite of the archetypal boyhood dog, which I think of as being an energetic, frisky, loyal, and friendly sporting dog. Over time, I came to appreciate and respect Eeyore's stubborn personality and bizarre antics, but in the beginning I simply wanted a normal dog that could play fetch. One day, I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and expressed the way I felt -- drawing the now-legendary "Normal dog, my dog."

Although the original artwork is long gone, I've made a left-handed recreation of the original masterpiece in MS Paint!

Behold! A childish art competition

My students have donated a stockpile of art to me and the more I look through it and contemplate it, the more I realize that children are artistic geniuses. Sure, they lack eye-hand coordination and aesthetic know-how, but they more than make up for that with their artistic inhibition and abounding imagination. Child art is cool for a lot of the same reasons that a 5-minute MS Paint artwork is cool -- the bar is set so low that you can forgive the tackiness and embrace the wackiness of the art.

So in honor of these little artists, I announce a 2-week "Child Art Competition" starting immediately and ending on Sunday, June 19th. Art that you submit to this competition should be drawn as poorly as possible (use the mouse with your left hand if you're a righty, or just get really drunk, then draw). You can either create your artwork from scratch, draw an artwork you remember from your childhood, or enhance and re-post art from PA-G's child art stockpile. Then tag it with "child art" to enter it into the competition (you can make more than one submission). May the most childish artwork win!

Werewolf Women of the S.S.

When I saw the Grindhouse double-feature film in a theater in 2007, I was blown away by the unique cinematic experience. I've since seen the two movies Planet Terror and Death Proof individually on DVD but it just isn't the same. The mood of the audience in the theater added to the awesomeness, but what really made the Grindhouse stand out were the fake exploitation film trailers. Here is one for Werewolf Women of the S.S.:

Unfortunately they had no real plans to make these fake movies. Nevertheless, I made an MS Paint artwork as an homage to the idea of crazed nazi superwomen werewolves:

Hitler was a crossdresser

During the final days of the Nazi German regime, there was a mad dash to destroy official documentation, evidence, and other paperwork involving orders to exterminate Jews. This is a well-known fact surrounding the history of the Holocaust. However, most people are unaware of the parallel -- and in many ways more frenzied -- effort by the Nazi regime to destroy all evidence of cross-dressing by top-ranking party officials, and especially by that of Adolf Hitler himself.

Thanks to MS Paint artists, historically-accurate renditions of their cross-dressing behavior have been created. Look at Hitler all dolled up for his big speech. Ain't he a cutie?

There are also renditions of Joseph Goebbels and Albert Einstein, two other prominent Germans of the time. And to think they tried to hide these wonderful pictures from the world...